All I’m saying, all I’m say… saying, is… you should really listen to what I’m saying. It’s… you would think that maybe you would think about con-conse-consek effects before you act like a real prick to your brother. I mean, it’s basic kindness, famil-famil-family-family-al bonds and whatnot. Bros before… not bros. Blood is thicker than wine? But all I’m saying is, is, well, you shouldn’t screw your brother over.
I know that I’m not always the nicest brother, and the cow was mean, but out here, alone, I could’ve died, I could still die, and when there would he be?
I don't know how I feel about this one. I tend to stay away from drunk people so I'm not sure how to write them (other than chatty, which I get, and more likely to talk about more things, which I get). At first I was using lots of spoonerisms (because that's how I talk when I'm really tired), but it just came off as stupid, so I cut that. Any suggestions, especially about tone and voice, would be excellent.
Ayn's story
3 comments:
I like the first paragraph; the second, not so much. I'm not sure I get the cow bit, and it feels like it's vague because you're not sure what the really reason is. I like the tone in the first paragraph and felt like it got lost.
And I like the title, and it's the only coherent thing about the story, even though it only asks a question and doesn't answer one.
I agree -- I like the title and the beginning but I didn't know how to finish it. I'm working on changing it quite a bit, and adding sober footnotes with a verbose speaker to go with, to flesh out the story a little bit -- what happened. I'm also cutting the parts where I try to explain anything about the story at all in the 100 word drabble section. I'll maybe post it later tonight.
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