Monday, June 30, 2008

How I Came to be Standing Here, Half Naked, and More Than a Bit Tipsy, at a Bus Stop, at Two in the Morning

Inspired by "Whiskey plied voices cried fratricide" from the song "Fake Palindromes" by Andrew Bird.

All I’m saying, all I’m say… saying, is… you should really listen to what I’m saying. It’s… you would think that maybe you would think about con-conse-consek effects before you act like a real prick to your brother. I mean, it’s basic kindness, famil-famil-family-family-al bonds and whatnot. Bros before… not bros. Blood is thicker than wine? But all I’m saying is, is, well, you shouldn’t screw your brother over.

I know that I’m not always the nicest brother, and the cow was mean, but out here, alone, I could’ve died, I could still die, and when there would he be?

I don't know how I feel about this one. I tend to stay away from drunk people so I'm not sure how to write them (other than chatty, which I get, and more likely to talk about more things, which I get). At first I was using lots of spoonerisms (because that's how I talk when I'm really tired), but it just came off as stupid, so I cut that. Any suggestions, especially about tone and voice, would be excellent.

Ayn's story


ayn said...

I like the first paragraph; the second, not so much. I'm not sure I get the cow bit, and it feels like it's vague because you're not sure what the really reason is. I like the tone in the first paragraph and felt like it got lost.

ayn said...

And I like the title, and it's the only coherent thing about the story, even though it only asks a question and doesn't answer one.

Elizabeth said...

I agree -- I like the title and the beginning but I didn't know how to finish it. I'm working on changing it quite a bit, and adding sober footnotes with a verbose speaker to go with, to flesh out the story a little bit -- what happened. I'm also cutting the parts where I try to explain anything about the story at all in the 100 word drabble section. I'll maybe post it later tonight.